Where Do I Be-Long?

For as long as I can remember, since early childhood, I hadn’t felt as though I belonged anywhere, or to anyone. Though it wasn’t a geographic place that I was searching for, I still spent decades looking for glimpses of a place I could recognise and call ‘home’ in my heart. 

The notion of ‘home’ as a place of belonging is tenuous because if a door is shut by others on your old way of life, then the way ‘home’ seems a lost cause. So, ‘home’, isn’t just a geography or a culture, it’s the way things were that we grew accustomed to: a cherished relationship, a golden era of your life when everything seemed perfect, a role in a community that has been changed or ended, a career path that is no longer, a position in your family that has been modified or ended, or even changes in what your physical body is capable of doing and achieving. All of these, in some way, define the notion of ‘home’.

Circumstances in my upbringing prevented me from learning how to ‘be’ loved, how to ‘feel’ love, how to feel a valued part of the family, how to count on the security and safety of my parents, and just generally feeling unworthy because I didn’t ‘belong’ to an entity that was bigger than just myself. At a very early age, I withdrew any thought that I belonged in my own biological family. I didn’t even realise at the time that belonging in a family was even possible. When that is your barometer for life, a sense of belonging becomes quite elusive and out of reach.

Belonging, I believe, is quite a misunderstood concept. It’s typically defined as being part of something that is much bigger than just you on your own. Belonging in a friendship group or community or workplace is sometimes tricky to define and navigate because the message about whether you ‘belong’, can be diluted, murky, and unclear at best. These settings can often impose the ‘majority rule’, which doesn’t encourage individualism.

It may be that what is required in those circumstances is that you ‘fit in’ rather than belong. Fitting in means feeling you need to conform somehow, to compromise who you are to some degree, or go along with other people’s expectations of who or what you need to be in order for them to be comfortable with you in their world. It means that you can’t show up in the presence of simply who you are.

Fitting in requires that we modify our personality at times, embellish our views, share only a glimpse of our belief, or squash our opinions so that we don’t upset the ability, or inclination of others to accept us.

For example, if your family or a group of friends are discussing something emotive like a global crisis, you might disagree with them or vice versa. It can become a delicate setting that demands a very cautious attempt to avoid major quarrels and volatile arguments.

In this scenario, you would feel able to challenge the opinion of others if you felt you truly belonged. You wouldn’t be concerned about whether or not you’d be accepted for your perspective. You could easily explain your different beliefs even if it makes others uncomfortable. And if you did this, the world wouldn’t come to a grinding halt.

Fitting in, on the other hand, might cause you to nod along and give the impression you agree with what others are claiming. You might not challenge them because would want to avoid a conflict and uncomfortable discussion. ‘Fitting in’ is how we often feel we need to compromise ourselves to be part of something; a family, a group, a movement, a job, an education.

 It's interesting to look at the root of the word ‘belonging’. Be. Longing. Where do I long to be? Two words that unto themselves are deeply strong and meaningful. We wish to ‘be’ who we are, but we also ‘long’ to be part of something bigger.

Toko-pa Turner, author of the book ‘Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home’, reminds us that belonging is not a static place of attainment, it’s more dynamic than that. It’s about alternating phases of contracting and expanding. This is how we grow and course correct our navigation and views in life. She uses the example of watching flowers filmed with timelapse photography. The petals don’t open in a single continuous movement, but instead each one contracts before opening wider – as though there is a thoughtful and intentional moment of growth.  

And that’s how it is with ‘belonging’; according to Turner, belonging must allow for alternative phases of contraction and expansion, apartness and togetherness. She adds that the healthiest forms of belonging allow for, and even require, periods of exile and separation.

If we can continue to grow and develop into our true selves, while remaining a welcome part of a family, friend group, community or vocation, then we don’t just strengthen our own wisdom, we enable others to be more resilient as well.

Belonging, in its purest sense, means being brave enough to hold the space for a belief you have and to be prepared to stand alone in that belief because you have embodied that belief so wholeheartedly. Belonging, first and foremost, must mean that you belong to yourself above anything else.

This description seems the opposite of fitting in. Fitting in is about considering a situation, assessing it, and deciding you need to become who you need to be to be accepted and avoid discomfort for others. 

But - belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be exactly who we are.  

According to Brené Brown, professor, social worker, author, and podcast host, true belonging “is the ability to express yourself honestly. It embraces the idea that being true to yourself supersedes what anyone else thinks.” 

She also shares that according to research by the nonprofit think tank Coqual, a sense of belonging in a workplace is rooted in four elements: 1) being seen for your unique contributions, 2) being connected to your coworkers, 3) being supported in your daily work, career development and ambitions, and 4) being proud of your organisation’s values and purpose.

Then … What is True Belonging?

True belonging means feeling secure in living your values despite what others think and how others may judge, criticise or challenge you. The true art of belonging is the ability to live authentically, acting in alignment with your principles, your values, your beliefs and your personality without feeling that you must compromise any of those aspects of yourself for the sake of someone else’s views or feelings.

True belonging also requires us to accept the outcome of living authentically, that feeling of being at peace because you don’t have to mould yourself to another’s expectations of who they feel you should be. You can just show up and be worthy and confident and brave about who you are, and what you believe – without the need to make someone wrong.   

True belonging is a state of ‘being’, a ‘state of mind’ rather than a behaviour.

To claim a Worthy and Brave™ Life requires us to be vulnerable. You must be brave to say what you believe and feel, even when doing so will risk backlash and rejection from people around you – especially those you love dearly. They might be dismissive of your feelings, ridicule your views, project weakness onto your arguments, be rude in their counter discussion. OR, by speaking up you might just pave the way for a thoughtful discussion. That’s the brave approach and it’s entirely possible!

These are the trade-offs of true belonging. You must be brave enough to risk the backlash, but confident enough to gain the possibility of meaningful dialogue that just might broaden everyone’s perspectives! And this can only lead to greater inner peace from this genuine self-acceptance.  

Brené Brown’s metaphor of the ‘Wilderness’ as a way to illustrate true belonging is an ideal way to understand the power of belonging. When we think about ‘wilderness’ it creates a vision of unknown difficulties, risks and dangers, where we might feel alone and intimidated by the ‘vastness’ surrounding us. And, it’s also where we might have some of the most rewarding experiences of our life.

Maybe we’ll walk away from the situation with a sense of peace because we were honest, and this can bring a greater conviction in our beliefs.

Belonging and being brave is essential for self-awareness, growth, and consistently becoming a better version of ourselves, because it comes with its own trade-offs:

• You might discover, on self-reflection, parts of your personality that don’t make you feel proud. Often what upsets us about others, has roots in our own behaviour.

• You might realise you have very little in common with a friend you’ve known for a very long time, and that can question your investment through the years.

At Worthy and Brave™, we address this issue quite deeply, in coaching sessions, when meditation or visualising intentions, during retreats and while in group facilitation - because self-awareness helps us set better boundaries and achieve a greater level of self-acceptance and self-love by learning more about our true needs and values.

And when we learn this, we then know what it means to embody love, and belong, not just for ourselves but for others and for our entire planet.